My father passed away when I was five years old. While playing outside, I remember hearing my aunt, who by then was caring for him, scream in pain and my sisters, who at that time were out fetching firewood, rushing inside the house screaming.
I knew my father was sick, and at that moment, I tried so hard to understand what was happening. Quickly, neighbours started wailing at our home, with others walking in circles as they wailed. Others paced in and out of the house, crying. A scene sad and confusing. Only now, in adulthood, do I understand how powerful grief as a language is. Fast forward to the time my mother came back screaming, and that’s when I felt a deep pain. I cried so painfully because I saw my mother cry.
As a child, death was not so apparent. The depth of loss started to sink in as I experienced the void of missing my father and the drastic transition from city to rural life. Just like me, many children do not fully understand the concept of death. Often, they will ask, “Je, mama/baba atarudi? “Will they come back?” Questions which are never fully explored to allow the child to understand the situation. In such moments, the child may mourn in the first hour and jump back quickly to their games as usual.
For children, just like with many adults, death is a life-wrecking reality. It causes us immense pain and grief, emotional distress, and potentially physical reactions. In other instances, it can also influence our social dynamics and personal reflection on the meaning of one’s life. For children, the death of a parent is the most devastating event in their lives. A study by Akerman and Statham found that while adults can negotiate their grief and move on with life, there is an assumption that children are not grieving; thus, little or no attention is given to them.
Of all bereaved children, 10 per cent experience clinically significant psychiatric problems following the loss, including depression at 7.5 per cent to 44.6 per cent, post-traumatic stress disorder, and even severe cases of prolonged grief disorder. Other studies suggest that children are a vulnerable population with an increased risk of social impairment or psychopathology, not only during bereavement periods but may even extend into adulthood as well.
Having buried loved ones and attended many other burials, it is always devastating to see children navigate these tragic moments in isolation. From a community where death brings many together, a lot of attention is often paid to the adults because their grief is more evident and louder. While children are easily forgotten in these moments, the neglect of their grief has a detrimental impact that manifests itself as poor development, self-isolation, a feeling of unworthiness, trauma, and depression. And in severe cases, it can lead to a child’s self-alienation, leading to a child running away from home, exposing themselves to more danger. Furthermore, children’s sporadic grief can be dismissed as a lack of grief, which can then lead to delayed or suppressed responses, increasing their risk of adult mental illness.
Due to a lack of social support at the time of loss for children, many of them go unseen, unheard and unloved in their grief.
Grief is such a traumatic season in one’s life, so we must be aware that adults and children grieve differently.
Paying attention to grieving children allows them space and time to grieve. Parents and caregivers should offer their grieving children honest information about the situation. Families can be safe spaces for children to express their feelings about the deceased openly and to grieve with their caregivers jointly.
All a child needs at this time is not a “superhero parent” or caregiver, but one who will listen and offer them the truth when they ask the difficult questions.
As schools are considered a child’s second home, governments and head teachers must intentionally resource schools with grief counsellors and train teachers to handle and care for grieving children. Every grieving child deserves care, love, and their needs addressed proactively and on an ongoing basis with respect for their autonomy and emotional expression.
By Evelyn Odhiambo