Women sabotage themselves when they encourage patriarchy

The past week has been brutal for women globally and right here at home. In the tough fight for equality, dignity, and respect, patriarchy and misogyny have been our common enemies. But what happens when the sabotage comes from within?

Coldplayed: The act of being publicly caught cheating, usually during major events. Thanks to a woman’s missteps, we just got a new verb. And yes, I am calling out my fellow woman because true sisterhood is about holding each other accountable with grace.

What was supposed to be just another Coldplay concert has spiralled into a social media storm, centringg, unfortunately, on a woman. When the kiss cam landed on Andy Byron, a married CEO, and Kristin Cabot, his Chief People Officer, the world got a front row seat to something they were not supposed to see. And the internet exploded. 

Sadly, in the days that have followed, the backlash has focused almost entirely on Kristin. Never mind that she was with someone else, her senior at that. She has been called a home wrecker, an immoral woman and even worse, accused of rising through the ranks on her back, her impressive resume notwithstanding. The tough reality is how hard it is to defend her.

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Every woman who has made it knows just how hard they have worked to occupy the spaces they are in today.  We have been accused of using gender, looks and femininity to succeed. Even when we are brilliant and competent, the whispers, wondering how we got there, are always there.

That is why Kristin’s case is disappointing. While she has every right to associate with whoever she wants, as head of HR, with her training and experience, she knew the stakes. As someone tasked with developing and overseeing professional conduct at the firm, she should have known the best thing to do when her heart got entangled. Quitting was one. Setting clear boundaries or waiting until the situation was no longer ethically compromising was another.

By going along with it, she handed society ammunition to further question women’s credibility. And predictably, the person being dragged in the mud is not the man, the CEO. Society’s favourite pastime is playing out yet again. Shame the woman excuses the man as flawed.

Back home, we had our unfortunate incident when a female Member of Parliament was paraded, literally, in public. That in itself was completely unacceptable. Her reaction, however, was not only unfortunate but also sabotaged the women’s cause.

It would have made a great statement if she walked out of that meeting to protest the disrespect. At the very least, she should not have dignified the moment with a shrug and a giggle. Her reaction, unfortunately, normalised the objectification of women. In minimising her violation, she made it harder for us to teach girls about boundaries and boys about what is not acceptable, even as jokes.

One of the biggest enablers of Sexual and Gender-Based Violence has been the silence of victims. We have taught victims to stay quiet to ‘keep the peace’, or to protect their livelihoods and space at the table.

But each time we let these moments slide for ‘the bigger picture’, we are telling young girls brimming with dreams that this is the path to the top. That securing our positions at the helm requires putting up with disrespect and abuse. Now I don’t know what is more self-defeating.

Both incidents, though worlds apart, reveal an uncomfortable truth. Sometimes, as women, we not only enable patriarchy, we maintain and,e ven worse, encourage it.

We protect male privilege when we excuse their offences as ‘light moments.’ We self-sabotage when we allow ourselves to be found in compromising situations. We betray ourselves when we normalise shame in our spaces. It is double standards when we demand to be treated better yet remain accomplices to those pulling us down.

We have come too far to lose ground now by aiding the world in beating us down.

 Ms Wekesa is a development communication consultant. [email protected]

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