Spousal abandonment is an extremely painful and disorienting experience, particularly when it involves a sudden and inexplicable departure. This differs greatly from a mutual separation, where a couple agrees to live apart.
What makes it difficult to recognise is that the initial stages are subtle, beginning with a gradual withdrawal of emotional support from the relationship. A partner may become increasingly distant and disengaged from conversations, appearing indifferent to activities previously enjoyed together.
They may start spending more time away from home or become secretive, creating an ever-growing emotional void. This emotional detachment then suddenly manifests as a physical departure.
Why would anyone do this? For many reasons. Whether justified or not, some of these reasons may stem from deep-seated issues such as untreated mental illness, substance abuse, or a fear of confrontation. Some people would rather leave than have difficult conversations or do the emotional work required to end a marriage healthily.
In some cases, it may be a way of avoiding mounting responsibilities, such as financial pressures caused by a new partner or the demands of a growing family. Abandoning a family in this way can be a desperate, impulsive reaction to feelings of being overwhelmed, and is not necessarily an act of malicious cruelty.
It is a way of externalising an internal crisis, where the person leaving believes that their only hope for a new life is to escape the old one without explanation.
This does not minimise the pain and effects it has on the children and spouse left behind. After such a jarring experience, don’t allow yourself to spiral out of control. If you are unwell, have just lost your job, or have been left with a baby, the emotional and practical burdens are compounded.
It is crucial to acknowledge your feelings of shock, anger, and grief, and not to bottle them up, as this will only prolong your healing process.
Although professional therapy is often the most effective way to cope with this, it is not always financially feasible. If you need to talk to a professional, explore the free counselling services offered by local churches or CBOs.
You could also join Facebook support groups that connect you with others who have faced similar challenges. These groups provide a safe space to share experiences and gain perspective, and can be very validating as you realise you’re not alone.
While working on your mental health, establish a consistent routine for yourself and your children. A predictable schedule can provide a sense of stability and normality amidst the chaos.
Start with small, manageable steps that are easy to accomplish, such as staying hydrated, having dinner together, and spending time as a family doing simple things you all enjoy.
Tempting though it may be, never speak negatively about the absent parent in front of your children, as this can confuse and harm them. Instead, reassure your children that they are loved and that this departure was not their fault.
According to the American Psychological Association (APA), it is paramount to maintain a child’s sense of security during periods of parental separation.