When five-year-old Tina Mwirigi learned she was going to be a big sister, she beamed with excitement. They walked the “pregnancy journey” with her mother, with the excitement growing with each month.
Her mother allowed her to “play” with the unborn brother. Tina even helped her mother, Ruth, fold baby clothes and even sang lullabies to her mother’s tummy.
But when the baby finally arrived, excitement turned to confusion. “She refused to call the baby by his name and kept saying, ‘take her back to the hospital,’” Ruth recalls, laughing gently. “That’s when I realised I had not prepared her for how much life would change with the birth of her baby brother.”
For many parents, welcoming a new baby brings joy, which is sometimes accompanied by tension, guilt and sometimes heartbreak as older children struggle with jealousy or feeling left out.
Parenting experts say how you prepare a child before, during, and after the baby’s arrival determines whether the transition becomes a season of love or rivalry.
“Children experience the arrival of a sibling as a huge shift,” explains Naftali Maina, a child psychologist.
“It’s like a best friend being replaced, their routines, attention, and space are suddenly shared. Prior preparation helps them understand they are not losing love, but rather, they are gaining family.”
Preparation, says Maina, begins with inclusion. Letting the older child or children be part of the journey helps them feel valued rather than displaced.
“I took my son with me to the ultrasound, and later we went for baby shopping and allowed him to choose the baby blanket, while every night we prayed for the baby together,” says Mercy Ouma, a mother of two, adding, “by the time the baby came, he already felt like a big brother.”
Family experts recommend using simple, age-appropriate language to explain what will happen, where babies come from, why mum might be tired, and what will change. They say reading children’s books about new siblings can also spark empathy.
“If the firstborn is old enough, show them their own baby photos and talk about how you cared for them, as this reminds them, they were once the baby too, loved and cherished,” says Maina.
He adds parents should also prepare emotionally, as hormonal changes, sleep deprivation, and stress can make it harder to manage everyone’s needs.
“Have honest conversations with your partner or support network,” says the psychologist. “You cannot pour from an empty cup,” he adds.
When the baby arrives
Catherine Mugendi, a family coach and counsellor says after delivery, the reality of sharing attention hits hardest, and that is when inclusion becomes crucial.
“Let older children feel useful. Ask them to fetch diapers, sing for the baby, or hold a hand during bath time,” advises Mugendi. “Praise them for their help and remind them that the baby is lucky to have them.”
Some parents, she explains, set aside a “big sibling gift”, a small present “from the baby”, to symbolically say, ‘You’re special too.’
However, she says, even with preparation, regression is common. For instance, a toilet-trained child may start bedwetting, a chatty toddler may become clingy or whiny.
“Don’t scold them,” says Maina. “Regression is their way of saying, ‘I need reassurance.’ Give them time, extra hugs, and patience.”
In many families, extended relatives step in to help. However, experts caution that grandparents or aunties should also respect the older child’s need for reassurance and routine.
“Sometimes, well-meaning relatives give all attention to the baby,” Lillian Oduor, a sociologist. “But the child watching from the corner remembers that imbalance for years. Inclusion and small gestures of love make a big difference,” she explains.
She says parents can build new rituals that keep the bond alive by for example, reading bedtime stories, taking short walks, or sharing simple ‘big-kid time’. “Even 15 minutes of undivided attention after feeding the baby can refill their emotional cup,” she says.
For Evans and Maureen Njoroge, parents of three, teamwork is the secret. “When our second child arrived, we talked to our eldest daily about being a helper and role model, and when our third came, he was the first to show the baby around the house!”
However, not every story is smooth. Lydia Mutua, a single mother of two recalls nights when her eldest would cry, and say, “You love her more than me.”
“It broke my heart,” she says. “But I learned that love must be shown in action, not assumed. I started thanking her for small helps, hugging her more, and involving her in bedtime routines. Slowly, she healed,” says Lydia.
Lillian says sibling relationships often shape how children learn empathy, sharing, and conflict resolution, and recommends encouraging older children to talk about their feelings without shame is a key component.
“Let them say, ‘I feel jealous,’ or ‘I miss you,’” says Lillian, adding: “Normalise the emotion, then guide them through it.”
Beyond the emotional lessons, she notes, new siblings can also teach values such as, cooperation, patience and kindness.
As one grandmother puts it: “You raise the first to lead, the second to follow — and together they learn to love.”
Amid the crying, sleepless nights, and shifting routines, parents can easily feel they are failing both children. But experts reassure that it is normal to struggle. “You’re learning a new rhythm as a family,” says Mugendi. “Give yourself grace. Love multiplies, it doesn’t divide.”
In the end, preparing a child for a sibling is not about avoiding jealousy altogether. It is about showing them, through words, rituals, and time, that family expands, but love remains constant.
“The best gift you can give your first child is not things, but the reassurance that your love has not changed, only grown,” says Maina.
Here is how to help your child welcome a new baby – without tears and tantrums.
Before the baby comes
Talk early: Use simple words such as: “A baby is growing in mummy’s tummy.”
Include them: Let your child help choose a blanket, toy, or name idea.
Visit a friend with a baby: This helps demystify what “a baby” means.
Show old baby pictures: Tell them, “You were this small once, and we loved you so much.”
When the baby arrives
Keep routines steady: Mealtimes, bedtime stories, and playtime provide security.
Gift from the baby: Give a small present from the newborn to the sibling.
Let them help: Fetch wipes, sing lullabies, hold a bottle (under supervision).
Avoid comparisons: Every child is unique. Praise effort, not rivalry.
As they adjust
Create one-on-one time: Ten minutes of undivided attention can mean the world.
Watch for regression: Clinginess or tantrums are calls for reassurance, not punishment.
Encourage expression: Let them share feelings, like: “It’s okay to feel jealous.”
Celebrate sibling moments: Take photos of them together, share stories, and praise kindness.
Remember: It is not about perfection. It is about connection. As Mama Scholastica Nkatha puts it: “When another baby comes, your love doesn’t split. It stretches.”