This week, the world celebrates Valentine’s Day, the day associated with love. In some homes, the day will arrive quietly this year.
No red balloons taped to the door, no heart-shaped cushions screaming romance, just a shy note slipped onto the kitchen counter, written in uneven handwriting: “Mum, I love you. Thank you for helping me with homework even when you’re tired.”
Catherine Mugendi, a counsellor and family coach, says Valentine’s Day has for a long time felt like a grown-up affair, with flowers exchanged between couples, restaurants booked weeks in advance, and social media flooded with curated love stories.
“Yet here it was, reframed by a child, reminding us that love begins long before roses and candlelight dinners. Love begins at home,” says Catherine.
In many Kenyan households, Valentine’s Day is either loudly celebrated or completely ignored. Some parents dismiss it as a Western import, others feel it promotes premature romance, while many simply do not know how to talk about love beyond discipline, provision and protection.
However, parenting experts agree on one thing: how we model love at home shapes how children understand relationships, boundaries, self-worth and empathy for life.
Daniel Otieno, a 39-year-old single father from Kiserian, Kajiado County, says Valentine’s Day used to make him uncomfortable. “I worried it would push romantic ideas too early,” he says. “But my daughter asked me why love is only talked about between couples, and that lingering question changed my perspective.”
This year, Daniel has decided to mark the day differently. He says he will cook dinner with his daughter. Already, he adds, he has tucked away in his bedroom drawer a short letter affirming her strengths and explaining what love looks like beyond romance.
“Love goes beyond romance. I have explained to her in the note that love is also showing kindness, respect, honesty and responsibility,” says the single father, reflecting: “To me, Valentine’s Day has become a teaching moment, one I can seize to show Doreen, my thirteen-year-old daughter, that love is not just about receiving, but also about giving.”
Psychologists emphasise that children first learn what love means by observing how adults relate, not just romantically, but emotionally.
“When children experience love as a consistent presence, attentive listening and emotional safety, they internalise healthy attachment. Valentine’s Day can be used as a symbolic reminder, but the real work is daily,” explains Nairobi-based child psychologist Dr Mercy Kilonzo.
When love feels absent
The psychologist says not all children associate Valentine’s Day with warmth. For some, she notes, it highlights the absence of parents working long hours, strained marriages or emotional distance at home. In blended families, it may stir feelings of comparison or rejection.
Jane Wambui, a mother of two daughters and a son, recalls how her son withdrew every February. “I realised he felt invisible. As I struggled to keep the family afloat, I forgot that children measure love in time, not sacrifice,” she says.
That realisation led to small changes, like weekly walks, bedtime check-ins and occasional handwritten notes slipped into school bags. “They seem small, but they rebuilt trust,” Jane says.
Experts warn that children who grow up unsure of love often seek validation in risky places later, through peer pressure, unhealthy relationships or social media affirmation.
Catherine says one of the biggest fears parents express is that Valentine’s conversations will lead to questions they feel unprepared for. However, she notes that avoiding the topic does not protect children; instead, it leaves a vacuum that others fill.
“Children are already exposed. What they need is guidance that matches their age,” says the family coach.
For younger children, she adds, love can be explained through everyday actions such as sharing, helping, apologising and forgiving. For pre-teens, it becomes a conversation about friendship, respect and boundaries, while teenagers need honest discussions about emotions, consent, self-worth and pressure. “When parents frame love as something that begins with self-respect, it reduces vulnerability to manipulation,” she adds.
Love languages start at home
Acclaimed American author and radio talk show host Gary Chapman’s concept of the five love languages, words of affirmation, quality time, acts of service, gifts and physical touch, resonates deeply in parenting.
Children express and receive love differently. Parenting experts say that while one child lights up when praised, another feels most loved when you attend their school event. Still, a third may value hugs, while another prefers practical help. “When parents speak a child’s love language, the child feels seen, and that sense of being valued is protective,” says Dr Mercy Kilonzo.
She adds that culturally, emotional expression is often left to mothers, while fathers are expected to provide materially. Yet research consistently shows that children who experience affectionate, emotionally present fathers develop stronger emotional regulation and confidence.
Peter Onyango, a Ngong-based church youth mentor, encourages fathers to reclaim Valentine’s Day at home.
“I tell men: buy your child flowers before someone else teaches them what love looks like,” he says. He explains that for boys especially, learning that love includes vulnerability and care challenges harmful stereotypes that equate masculinity with emotional silence.
Valentine’s Day can also teach children that love is communal. Some families choose to visit elderly relatives, share food with neighbours, write appreciation notes to teachers or caregivers, or donate to children’s homes.
“These acts teach children that love is generous, acts that move beyond ‘me and mine’,” says Catherine.
In many families, the eve of Valentine’s Day will be spent sharing a simple meal. No gifts exchanged, just stories from the day and laughter over spilled juice.
Like Otieno, many parents may be lucky to discover something profound: that long after chocolates melt and flowers wilt, children remember how love felt. Not the price tag, not the perfection. Just the presence.
Valentine’s Day, then, is not about teaching children how to fall in love, but how to live loved.