Taboo topics in African families exist. However, it’s time we understand that not addressing some traumatic experiences, is one way of creating men and women who hurt each other deliberately.
It’s also why a lot of grandparents are seated at home wondering where they went wrong with their children who no longer visit or take their grandchildren to see them, even after the sacrifice they made in order to educate them.
Some people are now seeking therapy, speaking the truth and walking away from beliefs and connections that no longer serve them, while others move away from home as soon as they get the means and never return. Men are, more often than not, considered weak for expressing their feelings and women are considered uncouth for questioning some traditions. Any new ideas are considered a coup against the family and outright disrespect to the parents.
That sibling who is considered the black sheep of the family and seems to be lost forever in alcohol and substance abuse knows more than the family cares to admit. He knows it’s not likely someone will ever take his sentiments seriously.
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That child who watched her parents fighting physically when she was only seven is out there recovering from that memory while walking away from anyone who raises their voice at her.
That man who discovered that his mother is his step-mother because of the mistreatment he got after his father died is still a young boy on the inside and still recovering from that experience.
That young woman still remembers that the parents who raised and educated her in the city and who were supposed to protect her, put her through female genital mutilation just to fit into a circle of fellow barbaric persons.
A single mother who chose marriage switched her full attention to making the man happy. Her child ended up neglected. Now a grown man, he’s working hard to feel important publicly, while neglecting his own responsibilities.
A man saw his mother being treated badly by men over the years because his mother did not bother to hide her many relationships from him. Now he doesn’t see why the women he chooses to date or marry should be treated with respect or experience the love his own mother never got.
Another one was the first in his family to qualify to join university. His parents divorced, the father, who was the breadwinner, decided to start another family and went with all the resources, killing his dream of getting a job. He found his way around life but the bitterness has never left his side.
A young lady remembers how her mother insulted her for refusing to wash her grown brother’s clothes because, according to her mother, such chores are for women. She remembers her mother saying that for that reason alone, she’d never get married and if she ever did, she’d be returned home immediately. She was 11! She then grew up into an insecure woman. A little attention received confused her and bad men took advantage of her.
There’s someone trying to get her family together for therapy but the damage done by their childhood is so much that they all avoiding a visit to their past.
We should all address our childhood traumas so we can focus on creating healthy environments for our own children, bringing our families closer, instead of waiting for the end, to fight for property once our family patriarchs die.
Mr Ototo is a journalist and a mental health champion
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By Rosebella Ototo