This Wednesday was International Men’s Day. It is one of the rare occasions when the world celebrates men. Celebrated with little fanfare, it does not measure up to the hype of its gender equivalent, which is even recognised by the United Nations.
Just compare the respective themes for the two days. For women it was catchy and thunderous “For ALL Women and Girls: Rights. Equality. Empowerment.” For men it was non-inspiring: “Celebrating Men and Boys.” This is not a whining occasion, so enough said.
I want to use this column to celebrate men generally for their role in making our world better.
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But beyond this general celebration I want to celebrate a special class of men who have excelled in one critical area; parenting. I celebrate them because they are a rare breed in a world where men have overlooked or surrendered the parenting role.
This celebration is accompanied by a call to action for more men to get involved in active parenting.
This concern was reignited some weeks ago when I took my granddaughter to watch a children’s golf competition in one of the clubs in Nairobi.
There were about 300 children participating between the ages of 6 and 15. Golf tends to be more of a man’s game in Kenya, and I expected to find many men bringing their children to the event.
When I got there, I was concerned to note that less than 20 per cent of the children were brought by fathers.
Some fathers eventually turned up towards the middle of the day but even then, they were much less than 40 per cent of the parents.
This experience made me reflect on my observations, over the years, about the role of men in children’s lives. The reality today is that most children spend the bulk of their early childhood in female company.
In most homes, the primary parent, particularly in younger years, is the mother. If one parent is working it tends to be the father, so mum spends time with the children.
If both parents are working, the children spend most of their time with house servants, who tend to be female. When they are old enough to go to school, they encounter women as the main teachers in pre-primary and the lower primary school classes. And then there is church.
I taught Sunday school in my church when my children were small, after I found a partly number of men teaching Sunday school.
I suspect this reality is still true in most churches. I have noted that this latter dynamic is different in Islamic society where the Madrasa teaching is shared by men and women. But for the rest of us, our children are missing male company in the most significant season of their lives.
Many experts who teach on how character develops, how children gain confidence, and how their world view is formed, contend that these critical elements develop within a child’s first five years.
The experts call this the “golden age” when the brain develops the foundation for all future learning and behaviour, through a rapid formation of neural and social connections.
They contend that subsequent developmental stages in the pre-school years, up to age 6 and early primary school age up to age 11, build on this foundation, addressing key challenges in areas like initiative, identity and industry.
Men cannot afford to be absent in this critical season. It is a truism that children learn by observing.
The lack of significant male influence in this season of children’s lives is therefore grossly prejudicial to their overall mental and social development.
There are many legitimate reasons why men are missing in these early years including that in most families, they are the primary bread winners. Further, parenting for most of us men does not come naturally, especially when the children are smaller.
It takes a proactive father to be admitted into the parenting sanctum. But it is a worthy investment I want to encourage men to be deliberate about.
Not only is active parenting immensely fulfilling to a parent, it also ensures that we are producing well balanced children whose world views are shaped by the whole gender spectrum. Meanwhile, Happy Men’s Day!
The writer is an advocate of the High Court of Kenya
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By Kamotho Waiganjo