At the height of the Christmas holidays, Chris Kirwa, an events organiser, stirred an online debate by urging married men to avoid spending nights at their in-laws during the festivities.
“Avoid sleeping at your in‑laws’ home,” he began. “No matter how much your girlfriend or wife insists, don’t spend the night at your father or mother‑in‑law’s place.”
Kirwa added that in some communities, a married man should not be around his in-laws’ home after sunset.
“Many people, especially girls will disagree …, men, ignore them completely. Thank me many years later. If she gets angry, step away and handle it later. Even if her own parents ask you to stay, bounce like a bad cheque,” said Kirwa.
While Kirwa’s comments may have been made in jest, the question of whether a married man can spend a night in his in-laws’ house has always elicited heated debates, with many citing cultural dictates for their preferences.
And while this subject may seem to be more African-driven, it has also been a divisive one in Western countries.
In a case widely reported on by Newsweek in February 2023, a man believed to be from Beverly Hills, USA, opted to spend the nights in a hotel after his wife’s parents refused to let him sleep in the same room with his wife.
Although both parties were said to get along well, the girl’s parents have a strict rule that states their daughter cannot spend the night with a man under their roof. Instead, they set up the husband to spend the nights on a sofa in the family’s living room.
“I honestly thought they were joking at first, but they insisted we sleep separately. I had a problem with the implication that I shouldn’t be allowed to sleep next to my wife, and I also have a bad back and the couch did not look the least bit comfortable (they don’t have a guest room),” the man said.
The now agitated man refused the offer to sleep on the sofa, took off in huff and booked himself in a nearby hotel, much to the chagrin of his in-laws.
“I told my wife she didn’t have to come with me, she chose to stay and I said I’d come back the next day. I went off to a [hotel] about 10 metres away and got a good night’s sleep, trying to not let the whole situation bother me,” he added.
In a separate incident, a man married to a Lebanese woman whose parents have a similar rule refused to allow his in-laws to sleep in the same room when they came to visit the young couple.
“I told them I’m not comfortable with them sleeping together at my house,” he said. “He came and asked me to change that and let him sleep with my mother-in-law because it was lonely. I told him no and he said fine and that he got it.”
Needless to say, in both cases, the relationships between the parties involved were disturbed.
Back in Kenya, opinions swirled like the whirlwind as individuals took their stand for or against Kirwa’s assertions, citing what they said were customary dictates.
“You are only supposed to be seen at your in-laws’ during special occasions,” Dei Kai said in response to Kirwa’s post. “Sleeping there is a taboo, and if circumstances force you to, never enter into that house. Heri ulale kwa nyumba ya ng’ombe.”
Banice Kendi asserts that Kenyans only cite such ‘taboos’ when it suits them but would have no problem if they married a white girl and upon visiting the in-laws in America, for example, would have no qualms spending the night at their in-laws’ house.
“Does [this] happen to men who married Kenyan girls and their homes [are] in America and there are no Airbnbs nearby? The house has seven to 10 bedrooms and a man can take one bedroom and sleep with the wife. I once took a friend to Luhya land for dowry payments. All in-laws slept in the same compound. Everyone is still alive and kicking,” she says.
Dan Owuor* from Nyanza however says the dictates of his Luo customs cannot allow him to spend a night at his in-law’s home “out of fear of what might happen to me if I do”. According to Owuor, it is not up to him to interpret such customs or bend them to suit his preferences.
“I found it like this and I usually sleep in the nearest shopping centre whenever I visit my wife’s home in eastern Kenya. I don’t want to experiment over what would happen. Similarly, I cannot sleep in my married daughter’s home in Nairobi. I just visit and leave in the evening. My son in-law complains about that but I can’t change tradition,” says Owuor.
Around Mount Kenya, where this debate has raged for years, thought leaders have discounted the long-held notion that a young man cannot spend a night at his in-law’s house.
Joseph Kaguthi, a former government administrator and who is well-versed with local customs, says some strongly held sentiments have been overtaken by modern realities.
“To say that a young man cannot spend a night at his in-laws’ house is retrogressive and a custom overtaken by events,” he says. “We should not cling to outdated practices that have no bearing in the modern world where our young men and women are marrying across oceans where our puny African customs have little recognition. What would you do if you married a girl from Texas?”
Peterson Thuku, a Kikuyu traditional musician says once a young man in the community marries a girl, he automatically becomes a son to the girl’s home and there would be no problem if he sleeps there.
“It is only his parents, especially the father who may not sleep there. The phrase ‘uthoni ndurangarangagwo’, which is loosely translated to keep your foot rare at your in-laws, applies mainly to the father of the groom. But his mother may visit the in-laws and spend whatever nights she wishes,” he says.
The debate continues.