In some homes, you will find a parent and child seated in their usual manner, bonding over cutting criticism of another child’s career choices or life trajectory.
This is a textbook case of negative bonding. It is a connection built not on mutual affection or shared values, but on the exclusion of a third party, in this case, the child being discussed.
This often unspoken but very common dynamic shows how families sometimes substitute genuine intimacy with high-conflict alliances, creating a fragile sense of belonging that relies on negativity rather than emotional safety.
Negative bonding, a concept rooted in family systems theory, occurs when people, in this context family members, connect through shared grievances, gossip, or the active shaming of another.
Research shows it develops as a subconscious defence mechanism, especially where true emotional vulnerability feels dangerous or unavailable. By focusing their energy on the person associated with their disappointment or pain, those engaging in negative bonding avoid addressing deeper issues. This avoidance is reflected in the lack of depth within their direct relationship.
This behaviour is often characterised by a relationship that feels intense or “high-voltage” only when discussing a third party’s perceived failures or shared resentment.
Unfortunately, this dynamic most severely affects the scapegoat, the person criticised or excluded to sustain the bond. But the damage does not end there. It also deeply affects the participants themselves.
The bonders become emotionally fused, losing a sense of individuality because their connection depends entirely on the presence of an antagonist. If that antagonist were to disappear, the bonders would be forced to confront the emptiness in their own relationship, often leading to a secondary collapse of the connection.
Psychologists point out how the roles of victim, rescuer and persecutor interlock to sustain negative bonding. Breaking free from this toxic cycle requires a deliberate commitment to step out of that triangle and refuse to engage in negative talk, even when encouraged by a parent.
This pattern must be replaced with positive bonding rooted in shared interests, mutual respect and the courage to say no. Families need to learn how to sit with the discomfort of silence or disagreement rather than using one child or parent as the glue that holds others together.
Over time, by practising open communication and setting firm boundaries against gossip and hostility, families can become cohesive units. This allows genuine connection to grow without isolating one member to create belonging for the rest.