Hi Chris,
I seem to have developed quite a gift for attracting men who sooner or later let me down badly. Why’s that happening? Am I just incredibly unlucky, or is there something I’m doing wrong?
Bad Guys
Chris says,
Hi Bad Guys!
Quite a lot of people have your experience, both men and women. Everyone they date turns out to be weird, usually in fairly similar ways. Angry, for example, or insecure, or neglectful.
This happens because we all have a sort of subconscious ‘template’ of what we find attractive in the opposite sex. These form as we grow up, and especially during our first dating experiences. It doesn’t only include their appearance, but also covers their attitudes, interests, and so on. We unknowingly tend to flirt with people who match our template, and so they’re drawn to us.
Mostly, that’s not a bad thing, as it steers people towards us who match our preferences. But sometimes, quite unintentionally, our template includes markers that come along with unpleasant side effects. If you find a high degree of assertiveness attractive, or a very masculine appearance, then you run an increased risk of dating someone who’s cruel.
That’s not to imply that you’re in some way responsible for your behaviour. Your template’s deeply subconscious, so you aren’t actually aware of what’s going on. But once you know all about it, and how it’s causing you to end up dating the same sort of men over and over again, you can consciously choose to avoid such bad guys.
Start by thinking about what you normally find attractive in a man. And then deliberately go for dates who don’t fit that pattern. Make a point of seeing the good side of men you wouldn’t normally find attractive. Someone shy, for example, instead of confident, or guys who look different, have different attitudes, work in a different profession or have different interests.
And because these men no longer fit your usual template, they’re not likely to come along with the difficult issues that have spoiled your relationships in the past.
All the best,
Chris