The panic call came from a boarding school bathroom.
“Mum, how do you wash white socks?”
At first, Justina Naliaka laughed. Surely her daughter was joking.
But on the other end, the Form One student was crying.
Her white socks had turned grey, her blouse wrinkled. Around her, other girls moved with ease, scrubbing uniforms, hanging clothes neatly, and navigating routines she had never learned.
“She sounded completely defeated, and I remember standing there in my kitchen feeling helpless because I realised this was bigger than socks,” recalls the mother.
At home, her daughter had never washed clothes. There was always someone to do it, a parent stepping in, domestic help handling laundry, or adults rushing to make life easier.
“I thought I was protecting her from stress, but I had sent her into the world unprepared,” Justina says.
In many homes, this conversation is becoming familiar.
Catherine Mugendi, a family coach and counsellor, says modern parenting is a tough terrain, with many parents asking difficult questions: are they doing too much, mistaking convenience for care, or raising children who expect life to be done for them?
She notes that for many parents and grandparents, childhood looked very different.
“Before sunrise, children were already awake. They fetched water, swept compounds, collected firewood, milked cows, watched younger siblings, and prepared tea before school. In many homes, chores were not framed as lessons, they were simply part of life,” says Mugendi.
Agnes Wambui, a grandmother from Ndakaini, Murang’a County, recalls balancing water containers on her head before walking to school.
“We didn’t complain because everyone had responsibilities, and you learned early that family survival depended on everyone doing their part. By the time I got married, I could run a household,” she says.
Professor Rebecca Wambua, an educationist, counsellor and parenting guide author, says today’s parenting landscape is markedly different. Urban families juggle traffic, demanding jobs, school pressure and long commutes.
“Many parents return home exhausted, while others compensate for their own difficult childhoods by ensuring their children experience less hardship. Others contend with domestic help, technology and packed school schedules,” says Prof Wambua.
Parental guilt
She explains that these factors often create a quiet pattern where adults do everything while children simply consume.
James Ochieng, a father of four, realised this when his son left for university.
“He called me asking how long cooking oil takes to heat before frying eggs. At first, I thought he was joking, but I soon realised he wasn’t,” he says.
His son excelled academically but could not cook a basic meal.
“That moment forced difficult reflection. We had invested in grades and forgotten life skills,” he says.
In another home, Beatrice Mwanzia, a mother of two teenagers, says her children often leave their plates on the dining table.
“When I ask them to carry their plates to the sink, they are reluctant, saying it is someone else’s duty,” she says.
That response unsettled her.
“I realised entitlement doesn’t begin with big things. It starts in small, everyday habits, and I had to step in with strict discipline and harsh consequences,” she says. “Two months in, the end goal was a dry, clean dinner table and sink. The rules were extended to cleaning utensils and leaving the sink dry.”
Mugendi says children tell a more complex story. For some, chores are not the problem, fairness is.
“I don’t mind helping. I just don’t like washing dishes every day while my sister or brother does nothing,” says 16-year-old Dalian Njue.
Nine-year-old Aisha Ali, on the other hand, enjoys cooking with her mother.
“She lets me stir ugali, and it makes me feel like a big girl,” she says.
Prof Wambua says that pride matters. Chores can build confidence or resentment, depending on how they are introduced.
Mugendi urges parents to stop using chores as punishment.
“When chores are used after misbehaviour, children associate responsibility with shame. Instead, chores should communicate belonging. A child should understand that a home functions because everyone contributes,” she says.
Child psychologist Dr Ruth Maina agrees, warning that over-functioning parents may create dependency.
“Children need competence. When parents do basic tasks for them, they deny them opportunities to build confidence,” she says.
She adds that simple tasks such as folding clothes, packing bags, cleaning rooms and preparing meals build resilience.
“These everyday responsibilities quietly build adulthood,” she says.