Certain topics are not discussed enough, and one of the most sensitive among them is the dynamics of trauma bonding.
Often relegated to intimate relationships, trauma bonding is equally significant and destructive when it develops between a parent and a child.
This complex attachment is not rooted in healthy, consistent affection but in a cyclical pattern of abuse, emotional neglect, or significant parental inconsistency, followed by periods of positive reinforcement, apologies, or calm.
The child, whose survival and core needs are entirely dependent on the parent, becomes intensely attached to the very source of both their comfort and their distress.
And if you grew up in an African household, some of this may feel uncomfortably familiar. Be warned.
In certain instances, trauma bonding operates through intermittent reinforcement. The parent provides just enough care through occasional affection, a random gift, a compliment, or brief periods of stability to keep the child hopeful and attached, effectively “hooking” them despite the preceding or subsequent negative behaviour.
Psychologist Patrick Carnes describes this process as one in which the victim confuses intense emotional arousal with intimacy.
For a child, this confusing cycle of cruelty and kindness creates profound cognitive dissonance. Their developing brain struggles to reconcile the biological imperative to bond with a caregiver with the pain that the caregiver inflicts.
To survive this emotional chaos, the child’s mind attempts to protect the attachment by rationalising or minimising the abuse while magnifying the positive moments, thereby strengthening the bond.
To identify this toxic dynamic, one must look beyond surface-level family drama. Every family has its issues; this is an entirely different animal.
Certain behaviours and relationship patterns tend to emerge. The child may exhibit extreme loyalty to the parent, fiercely defending them even when the parent’s actions are clearly destructive or harmful to others.
They may also develop chronically low self-worth, a pervasive sense of responsibility for the parent’s happiness, and an inability to establish firm personal boundaries.
Further confirmation may appear in adulthood, when the individual finds themselves repeatedly drawn to emotionally unstable or abusive partners. Why? Because they are unconsciously seeking to replicate the volatile, yet familiar, intensity of the parental bond.
Breaking free requires the individual to examine their relationship with the abusive parent, a process best facilitated by a professional therapist. With proper guidance, the goal is to separate the powerful feeling of attachment from genuine, healthy love.
This involves establishing and strictly enforcing physical and emotional boundaries with the parent, which may require reduced contact or, in some cases, a period of estrangement.
Finally, the individual must mourn the loss of the functional parent they deserved but never had, and begin building an entirely new framework for intimacy, one rooted in mutual respect, safety, and predictability rather than crisis and control.